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August 2007
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Season 4 Characters

Agent Michael Vaughn
Julian Sark
Agent Sydney Bristow
Agent Eric Weiss
Agent Marshall Flinkman
Agent Jack Bristow
Agent Marcus Dixon
Arvin Sloane
Agent Carrie Bowman
Nadia Santos
CIA Director Hayden Chase
Agent Brodien
Calvin McCullough
Kazu Tamazaki
Fintan Keene
Kiera MacLaine/Meghan Keene
Julian Sark
Anna Espinosa
Katya Derevko
Irina Derevko
Arvin Clone/Ned Bolger
Dr. Liddell
Martin Bishop
Yuri Korelko/Tom
Frank Murdoch
Sam Hauser
Cesar Martinez
Roberto Fox
Sophia Vargas/Elena Deverko

Hanging Out at Joey's Pizza:
Vaughn looked up as the leather-clad vixen walked slowly towards his orange-formica booth, her eyes staring unblinkingly at him. She slid into the booth behind him, her black, painted on pants making a strange sound against the brown nogahyde of Joey's decor. "Did you get it?" he whispered surreptitiously.

"Yeah. Now why the hell are we meeting here? It's season four, not season one."

"Shut up, or you'll ruin my fantasy," growled Vaughn. He cleared his throat and asked again. "Did you get it?"

Sydney rolled her eyes, and strode over to sit down next to him. She scattered a few items across the table.

Vaughn's eyebrow raised at her as he scanned the items. In addition to the sex lube and assorted fetish toys, there was and driver's ed manual and, bullet proof vest... No condoms though. Ah well, her eggs are probably nuked anyway.. "Syd, what the?"

"Trust me, they'll come in handy next season."

Chillin’ in the SD-6 "Conversation Room":
While singing showtunes in his shower, Agent Jack Bristow heard his doorbell ring. Muttering to himself something about being early, Agent Bristow slipped on his tighty whities and answered the door. It was the delivery boy with his Chinese takeout. After paying the delivery boy and only tipping him a dollar for being early, Jack quickly tore into the bag looking for his fortune cookie and devoured it in two bites. Unfortunately for Agent Bristow the fortune was laced with a toxic dose of MSG. Besides the bag of Chinese food the only clue found was the fortune itself. It read, "That cologne of yours was killing me, so I thought I'd return the favor."
01. Agent Jack Bristow - death by MSG.

Hours after Julian Sark was escorted by Agent Michael Vaughn to the top secret crypt where Agent Vaughn's former wife and Covenant operative Lauren Reed was being stored (as per agreement between Sark and APO in exchange for Sark's cooperation), the crypt holding Ms. Reed's body was found desecrated.
Surveillance video later revealed Agent Vaughn entering the crypt with a sledgehammer. He opened the drawer holding his dead wife's cryogenically preserved body and proceeded to shatter the frozen corpse into bits with the sledgehammer.
Agent Vaughn was heard uttering between swings, "Killing you once was just not enough."
02. Lauren Reed (deceased) - death by shattered with sledgehammer.

Sark woke up to a stinging pain: Vaughn just punched him in the jaw. Sark wrestled his fetters, but the chains only tighten. Sark spat several lines of feeble wit at his captor; who just rolled his eyes and sharpen his knife. Vaughn winks as his pulls on his latex gloves, and then slowly starts a long and torturous castration and penectomy procedure. Sark dies as Vaughn jams him with a hot iron rod. His last thought? Vaughn is so pretty.
03. Julian Sark - death by Vaughn acting naughty.

Every year at the orphange, Sophia holds a science fair for the little tikes. As she went from project to project a huge three foot volcano caught her eye. She went over to Nadia and asked in awe for the precious little girl to explain the feet. Nadia obliged, and hit the button that let the baking soda and food dye ooze from the papermache. But what Sophia (or should I say Evil Elena) did not know is that Nadia filled the volcano with real lava -- that splattered all over Evil Elena.
As the wicked witch melted, Nadia smiled. Isn't she such a precious little girl?
04. Sophia Vargas/Elena Derevko - death by Nadia's science fair volcano.

Sam Hauser sat at home, bored as hell. His favorite television show 'Penname' sucked now. They had killed his favorite character, reduced the roles of his second and third favorite character, and the hottest potential slash pairing ever still had not confessed their unrequisted love for each other. As he watched the latest episode, wishing to God it would just end, he grabbed a pencil and stabbed himself in the eye. He died from boredom.
05. Sam Hauser - death by 'Penname' boredom.

Agent Brodien of the CIA has been reported missing and is believed dead. After the international incident at Sevogda, all Brodien's superior Arvin Sloane would say was this, "I wish he would have taken the bottled water I gave him. Pity."
06. Agent Brodien - death by supposed dehydration.

Fintan Keene, bad guy, was in the United States trying to buy a biological weapon. His meeting wasn't for some time, so he went to an American bar for a beer. It was Super Bowl Sunday, and the place was packed. From the bar, he ate popcorn, nuts and something called buffalo wings. He enjoyed the spiciness of the buffalo wings and ate more. Suddenly, he began to choke, didn't know the universal sign for choking and because it was so loud in the bar, no one heard him. He died. Said bartender Jack Bristow, "He was really enjoying those buffalo wings. One minute he was okay, and then all of the sudden....I don't know what happened. Isn't that weird?"
07. Fintan Keene - death by buffalo wing.

Jack Bristow was sick of his two for one deal, too confused about which one washed the dishes and which one made the bed. He decided to just eliminate both of Clone and Sloane, by turning them on each other. Sloane beat Cloane to death; but on his final death gasp confessed, "So Am I!" and shot Sloane in the heart with some Rambaldi shit. Sloane died. As Jack cleaned up he mess, he hummed 'tomorrow belongs to me'.
08. Arvin Clone 
09. Arvin Sloane - by two ladies.

Steve walks warily down the street, with the brim pulled way down low. Ain’t no sound but the sound of his feet, machine guns ready to go. However Steve was the real name for Michael Vaughn, who aimed his gun at Bishop and let it rip. Oh, and another one bites the dust.
10. Martin Bishop - death by Queen.

Dr. Liddell was accompanying Frank Murdoch to the Unconvetional Medical Convention. Murdoch was looking for a new wheelchair. He had been paralyzed since that jerk, Bill Vaughn, and shot him in the back, laughed, and then just walked away (that's his version anyway). They found a booth that made a newer and faster wheelchair, faster than anything on the market. Murdoch was very excited about this new chair and asked for a "test drive". The tech at the booth and Dr. Liddell helped him into the chair. He pushed the joystick forward and he shot off like a cannon. Unfortunately, the joystick wasn't working right. He ran Dr. Liddell over, killing him. Then, the chair stopped suddenly and Murdoch went flying out of the chair and landed head first into a booth selling incense sticks. He was impaled by 47 sticks, thus killing him. Said wheelchair tech Jack Bristow, "I don't know what happened. I checked that chair myself this morning. Isn't that weird?"
11. Dr. Liddell - death by runaway wheelchair.
12. Frank Murdoch - death by 47 incense sticks.

Carrie Bowman(-Flinkman) knew better than to interrupt her husband's experiments. But this was different. Mitchell needed caring and the CIA needed a report finished. When she entered the room, unfortunately, one of Marshall's new gadget-weapons exploded and BOOM... Carrie died.
13. Carrie Bowman - death by Marshall's gadgets.

No one could out fox Fox -- except for Nadia Santos and her pack of foxhounds. She told her boys to sick him. No one ever found the remains of Fox after Weiss and Vaughn finished with him.
14. Roberto Fox - death by foxhounds.

The maggots got him. There is nothing else to say.
15. Cesar Martinex - death by maggots.

Calvin McCullough walke up to the ice cream truck and order a chocolate cone. The Tall Man nodded, and asked if McCullough wanted jimmies too. He would have said no, if he had known the jimmies were laced in rat poison.
16. Calvin McCullough - death by the Tall Man.

BAM!! Vaughn 'accidentally' hit Tom with the new convertible while driving down the road of Liberty Village. Apparently Tom didn't live his life fast enough for the fast line. SLAP!
17. Yuri Korelko/Tom - death by Vaughn's fast lifestyle.

Evil mastermind Kazu Tamazaki was found dead today. It has been determined that after watching a very bad Batman movie, he decided to develop a killer rapidly growing plant as an assassin. Unfortunately he was found suffocated under a large mass of green vine.
18. Kazu Tamazaki - death by Kudza.

Katya and Jack met up for a romantic dinner at an out-of-the-way French restaurant, hidden somewhere deep within an anonymous city. They had met to celebrate her release from prison, and to discuss exactly what the hell she found so sexy about Jack. When it was time for the dessert course, the waiter said that the chef wanted to make them something special. Katya died within seconds of eating the chocolate-laced creation. Irina then wandered out of the kitchen, wearing nothing but chocolate, a chef's hat, and the scariest smile that Jack Bristow had ever encountered.
19. Katya Derevko - death by Irina's chocolate of revenge.

20. Kiera MacLaine/Meghan Keene - death by accent. [valeriel]

Anna Espinosa was excited by the phone call she received. She had received a call from Julian Sark, an occasional partner in crime. He wanted to "get together" in his hotel room in Brussels. He "ached" for her and couldn't wait to see her. She picked up the card key to his hotel room and her heart was beating as she opened the door. The room was dark, but there was a form already lying in the bed. She quickly undressed and slid into the sheets, putting her arm around the form. She let out a blood-curdling scream, had a heart attack and died. For it was not Julian Sark waiting for her, but the mummified body of Milo Rambaldi. Silently, the closet door slid open and Jack Bristow stepped out. "Huh. I thought she would be happy to finally meet Milo Rambaldi. Isn't that weird?"
21. Anna Espinosa - death by Milo Rambaldi.

22. Agent Marcus Dixon - death by peaceful sleeping. [valeriel]

It started as a simple game of paintball. Chase and Dixon against Nadia and Weiss. MOre or less a CIA sanctioned double date. Each took a tactical position in a forrest of country none had been in before and waited for the other team to make a mistake. Nadia heard a twig crack first and immediately went into rapid fire, shooting at everything around her. Trees all over were drenched with rad paint. With a single shot from behind, Nadia fell from her tree dead. Her boyfriend, kinda pathetically, jumped from his hiding place and held her in his arms, crying over the body, and with another single shot, he died immediately. CHase looked at Dixon and he signalled her back. She walked to the lovers and quickly, her body was added to the carnage. Dixon sat in his tree, watching, waiting to find the person responsible for the death of his friends. Then he heard the voice of Irina Derevko. "Jack, guess what I just found, it's another flag. Isn't that weird?"
23. Agent Eric Weiss 
24. Nadia Santos 
25. CIA Director Hayden Chase - death by paintball.

Marshall was eating some Taco Bell at his desk when all of a sudden he started to some chest pains. Clutching at his chest, he started to lose consciousness and flail about, gasping for air,and fell out of his chair ... and fell right on the spork that was still sticking up in the bag, severing the arteries in his neck and collasping his windpipe. An autopsy revealed he had food poisoning from the tacos. "I could have sworn we always cook all our food alle the way through and use proper sterilzation and cleaning methods," said manager Jack Bristow. "I guess this was a special incident for this guy. Isn't that wierd?"
26. Agent Marshall Flinkman - death by spork.

Irina Derevko was enjoying herself at the Olympic hockey game between Russia and Sweden. For some reason, she felt conflicted. She knew she should be rooting for Russia (she was Russian), but for some reason, she secretly hoped that Sweden would win. Suddenly, the puck came flying through the air, hitting her right between the eyes, killing her instantly. Apparently, the puck bounced off the Swedish goalie and went flying, hitting Irina. Said goalie, Michael Vaughnquist (hah! you thought I was going to say Jack Bristow), "I don't know what happened. It just bounced off me and killed that poor woman. Isn't that weird?"
27. Irina Derevko - death by hockey puck.